No matter how you feel about the show, nobody can deny that the show cranks out some incredible characters.
So I got together with my friends at Nightmare on 13th to talk about the best of the best. Needless to say, this will be DRIPPING in spoilers. So if you haven’t watched AHS yet… First of all, what’s wrong with you? Secondly, how dare you?! And lastly, go do it right now.
This wasn’t an easy task considering that over the course of 6 and a half seasons, there have been dozens of characters.
We can start by immediately forgetting that AHS: Roanoke even happened. Because much like the rest of 2016, it was just a series of meaningless dumpster fires.
#15 Marcy the Realtor AHS: Murder House and Hotel (Christine Estabrook)
Fowl mouthed, armed to the hilt, and willing to say and do anything to sell a house, Marcy is one of the greatest characters on the show. Not to mention, she gets a pretty sweet deal in the afterlife. Drinking and reading romance novels in a beautiful hotel forever? Sign me up.
#14 Chad Warwick AHS: Murder House (Zachary Quinto)
All he wanted was the perfect Halloween, in the perfect house, with the perfect husband, and a perfect baby. IS THAT REALLY SO MUCH TO ASK?
#13 The Countess AHS: Hotel (Lady Gaga)
Yasssss Kween! The Gaga made her television debut as a vampire with a string of sexy, undead lovers and a child army. And let’s not forget what happens if you cross her… She’ll cut your man’s throat with a designer glove.
#12 Fiona Goode AHS: Coven (Jessica Lange)
Willing to do anything to stay young, including but not limited to: slaughtering Emma Roberts, befriending her arch nemesis, slaughtering Jamie Brewer, funneling millions in to medical research, slaughtering Frances Conroy, and digging up and employing a 200-year old slave torturer.
Oh.. and summoning this guy that I honestly can’t help but love.
#11 Nan AHS: Coven (Jamie Brewer)
TBH, I’m still FURIOUS at the entire AHS team for how dirty they did my girl Nan. She was one of the only witches who didn’t kill or lie or manipulate to get ahead. She was just there, trying to mind her own business which was NEVER easy.
She even got herself a hottie little boyfriend, whom she saved from civil war zombies. So what do they go and do? Kill him off because he knew too much about his psycho mom and then the drown her in a tub? All I have to say to Ryan Murphy…
Get Your Tix here
#10 Marie Laveau AHS: Coven (Angela Bassett)
Okay, obviously we can’t give the show all the credit for this character. Marie Laveau was actually a real-life voodoo queen in New Orleans who did quite well for herself considering she was a black woman in the 1800’s.
Though at the time she was considered a psychic mind reader, historians believe that her real talent was listening to the women who visited her salon. I’ve said it a million times: hairdressers have the best gossip! She’d use this gossip like social currency, passing it off as psychic visions. “The spirits are telling me your wife is having an affair.” Yeah, that. Or Madam Bethany mentioned it while she was getting an up-do.
Let’s get real though; the character may have written itself. But Angela Bassett’s AHS debut brought it to life.
#9 Sister Mary Eunice AHS: Asylum and AHS: Freak Show (Lily Rabe)
Asylum, while one of my favorite seasons, was a mess. Aliens, nazis, zombies, gay conversion therapy… Pick a lane for god’s sake.
But one thing they did absolutely right was cast Lily Rabe as Sister Mary Eunice. The sweet, bullied teen-turned-nun-turned-devil-possessed-monster was absolute perfection.
#8 Delphine Lalaurie AHS: Coven (Kathy Bates)
Kathy MO7#3***cking Bates. Another character ripped straight from the pages of history and brought to life by a straight up queen. Delphine was the most ddisgusting, vial, racist piece of garbage… But at a few points through the season, you kind of feel bad for her. Then you remember that she literally smeared baby blood on her face and that sympathy just seems to vanish.
#7 Twisty the Clown AHS: Freak Show (John Carroll Lynch)
Gone too soon. But never forgotten. We only got four episodes of Twisty the Clown before he was claimed by that two-faced weirdo in a bowler hat. But holy moly guacamole.. They were four great episodes.
I’m going to let this scene speak for itself. Don’t watch if you ever want to sleep again. Or go on a picnic.
#6 Dr. Oliver Thredson AHS: Asylum (Zachary Quinto)
Something that has always fascinated me: why do serial killers love skin so much?? This walking pile of mommy issues so desperately wanted to feel the affection of his mother, he went through the trouble of building an entire skin-harvesting lab in his basement. That’s dedication because I’m so lazy, I once took the car to get the mail.
Quick mention: he also kept one gal’s teeth and that just seems a little extra.
Try to Keep Your Skin on
#5 James Patrick March AHS: Hotel (Evan Peters)
I wanted to hate this character so much. I really did. At first, I couldn’t believe that such a baby-faced little cherub-like Evan Peters could pull off an old-timey killer vibe. But upon further viewing, I had to admit that I was wrong. Which is hard for me to do.
#4 Dandy Mott AHS: Freak Show (Finn Wittrock)
Though he could never replace Twisty, Dandy proved quite the capable villain in season 4. This spoiled, inbred mama’s boy wasn’t even able to dress himself before finding his calling. Then, at a break-neck pace, he killed an entire Avon party and bathed in their blood, turned his mother into a two-headed marionette, and bought and slaughtered an entire freak show.
Pretty impressive for a grown man who cried because he didn’t want to be Howdy Doody for Halloween.
#3 Aileen Wuornos AHS: Hotel (Lily Rabe)
Eat your heart out, Charlize Theron. Lily Rabe too America’s favorite serial killer and did it 1,000% better. Even though she was only on one episode, she was unforgettable.
#2 Shachath (The Angel of Death) AHS: Asylum (Frances Conroy)
I’m gonna get a whole lot of crap for this one, but hear me out. Shacath (שָׁחַת) is far and away the most beautiful, stylized character in Asylum; and if it weren’t for Papa Legba and The Countess, I’d say the entire AHS universe.
On top of her look, she was season two’s answer to an awful lot of conflict. as mentioned before, there was a lot happening. It’s like the head writer couldn’t say “no” to anybody’s idea. Then comes Shachath to put everyone in their place.
#1 Liz Taylor AHS: Hotel (Denis O’Hare)
Oh, Liz. I love a no-nonsense, mouthy gal with attitude for days. And Liz is the queen of them all.
Watching her transformation from a terrified, meek little thing into the boss of everyone and everything makes me feel like I can conquer the world. And once she was diagnosed with cancer, she figured out a way to be with her lost love and still run everything.
That’s what makes her the queen 👸👸
Disagree? Come at me, Bro!
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