Life

BREAKING NEWS | Jackson Was Eating A Salad

Yesterday, I was eating lunch at my desk, minding my own business, watching Alanis Morisette’s cover of “My Humps” on repeat. It was great. I had gone over to Harmon’s downtown and picked up a salad from the salad bar. Romaine, olives, nuts, artichokes… YUM!

 

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But then something happened. Half a dozen people stopped by my desk with a mix of confusion and pride, congratulating me for eating this salad.

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Like they ain’t never seen a fat guy eating a salad before. Listen, I’m chubby, but I still eat well and work out regularly. If I didn’t, I’d be over 300 lbs. again. 

There are so many thing that can affect somebody’s appearance. Mostly genetics. But also stress, environment, and, yes, poor diet and lack of exercise. But for the record, there are plenty of huge things that eat salad. I’ve compiled a list of enormous animals that only eat salad. 

1) Elephants 
Look at these cute, salad-eating giants.

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2) Bison 
Stoic, rugged, ENORMOUS. The Ameican Bison.

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3) Cows 
They eat so much salad, they’re literally destroying the planet with their farts.

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4) Dinosaurs Some of the biggest critters in history at salad.

 

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5) Gorillas Chubby, sassy, fabulous… SALAD EATERS

 

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In summation, just because someone is fat, doesn’t mean they’re unhealthy. And just because someone is skinny, doesn’t mean they are healthy.

Fat people don’t need to be “fixed,” or pitied, or criticized. I don’t want your magic shakes or cleanses. I don’t want to join your low-carb, low-fat, low-flavor diets or your DietBets or anything that requires me to sell something to my friends. I’m good. Imma keep doing me. You keep doing you. And if you have any questions:

 

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